Marriage --- Not Today (Maybe Tomorrow?)

As most things in most people’s lives, I just happened on this article by Tracy McMillan (I initially thought the author was Terry McMillan, author of Waiting to Exhale and How Stella Got Her Groove Back who was also likely to come up with something like this) and as most cases in a socially-networked world, I posted it on Facebook and texted a friend I had an article I wanted to send her (she said NO, haha).  Obviously, the title caught my attention: “Why You Are Not Married”.  As a single woman in my 30s, I wanted to know why.  So yes, I wanted answers!  Now na!

(Of course, as McMillan mentioned in an interview about this article, this piece does not apply to women who really do not want to get married).

In sum, the article underlined the following points directed at me (the readers, I mean) as to why girls like me are not married: You’re a Bitch, You’re Shallow, You’re a Slut, You’re a Liar, You’re Selfish, You’re Not Good Enough.

And frankly, even though the headliners are harsh, I found them to be absolutely true.  And I find them to be true among my single girlfriends.

The first point is anger and I think this spans beyond the normal definition of angry.  We like to complain about many things, and a good single woman complaint is, “Why is he such a jerk?” We spend a lot of our energy figuring out why this guy stopped calling, why he didn’t continue the relationship, why he cheated.  Of course we have the right to be angry, especially if not treated right.  Heck, I wanted to strangle someone’s neck a couple of weeks ago, and if I saw him today I’d probably punch him in the face.  See what I mean?  We have the tendency to get stuck in this anger that it emanates from our… aura.   We’re angry at the system, the government, blah blah.  And sometimes we end up acting too defensive and aggressive that guys pick up on the vibes, you know? 

And seriously, we women pick up negative vibes as well which explains we have become experts in hiding from certain types of men, right?  We remain to be queens of rejection, especially as Filipinas we freely exercise that thing called basted…  or busted --- how do you freaking spell this word?  Anyway.

The thing is we can be bitches because we don’t treat people nicely… even when you just want to be mean and give someone a good slap.  See, there is a place for expressing anger and in my opinion, when a man disrespects you and abuses you, yay, go ahead.  Being rough around the edges does not mean you have to be rough.

The second point is mainly about having weird thoughts about marriage/commitment and the definition of one’s self.  Self-explanatory.  The thing is, some women may say crazy things like they prefer a Greek god or someone with the money because their character will make up for the relationship.  Eh?

Third point --- come on, girls.  Like I always say, if a man has a one-night stand, there’s another woman involved (ergo, if men do not want to be judged engaging in one women must not be judged as well).  So what I am saying is, if this is the kind of lifestyle that one does not want to give up, obviously marriage is out of the question.  Unless it’s an open one.

Fourthly --- now this hits the jackpot.  Sometimes we settle because we do not want to lose the “relationship”.  If you want to get married and you are ready to get married, stand up for it.  Hence, don’t complain that you are not married yet if you are slutting around and your press release is “You just want to have fun”.  Now that’s lying.

Second to the last, selfishness is something one does not want to admit because he or she is too selfish to admit it.  You’re not married because your world obviously still revolves around you, and this “you” includes --- yes --- the good and the bad.  You are your ambitions (good) and your “issues” (bad).  You are your history (which you need to resolve and be at peace with) and your circumstances (and you choose to be a victim or not).  So yes, when a guy says “It’s not you”, I believe it is you --- because there are pieces of you that just break the deal.  And obviously, to put it simply, he is just not that into you.

What to do?  Move on.  Look for someone who would love to handle your crap the same way we, essentially, are just looking for someone whose crap we can and want to handle because of... love (and other relevant conditions).

Here’s the thing: there’s a difference being selfish and loving yourself.  I don’t have to explain it: you have to reflect on it yourself.  If you have found someone you can love beyond yourself, congratulations.  If this person does not love you back, well, call it material and write a movie/novel/essay/blog post about it.  Ka-ching!

And lastly, “being not good enough”.  What this point really says is we up the standards on our “ideal” partners because we want someone better than ourselves.  Years ago, I described my ideal partner as someone who is a lawyer, someone who plays the piano, and someone over six feet.  Seriously… but not literally.  I just realized I am not looking for someone “better” than me but rather these categories are pretty symbolic.  I want someone who is knowledgeable and has wisdom, someone I can talk to and someone I can have a discussion with.  I want someone with admirable traits (piano players just mesmerize me).  And --- alright --- I want someone (way) taller than me, tee-hee.  Humor and attractiveness (to me) are staples anyway.

Does this mean I want someone better than me?  More on that after this paragraph.

So I guess this article just highlights why I am not married yet: I needed to resolve my issues as an individual, I needed to define what a lifetime of commitment (marriage) is for me, I am still having fun and meeting different people, I didn’t know what I want, and there are many things that I still want to accomplish as a single person.  I have to say that I am still evolving, and like that “missing piece” in Shel Silverstein’s phenomenal work, I will continue rolling  even if I am broken, chipped, and even damaged. 

And of course, the other real reason --- and the answer to --- I am not married is I haven’t met my equal yet.  I am such a catch.  

Oh yeah.