It IS hard when you finally decide to make some changes in your life, no? I remember years ago, a friend told me about this thing our late Dean of College said in their class: if you do something right, everything will start falling into place. Well, it seems at first that things are falling into place, but of course, the universe is not going to be there all the time. There's the initial boost, and then it feels gone. You're on your own.
About two months ago, a few of my friends (including my sister) decided --- almost at the same time --- that they wanted to quit their jobs. The reason is simple: it's dead-end, they don't want to do it for the rest of their lives, they're unhappy. Incidentally, I was going through the same thing: I did not want to do the meat source of my income anymore. I want to do what I have been doing sporadically. And yes, I have been getting significant support. So do my friends, my sister.
But now, it seems that time is running out. We are still "in the process", and yes, funds are running low. It's like we are now on this verge of going back to what we were before. We're nearing this point of surrender. It feels that the time we spent trying to make these changes, risking a lot of things --- have gone to waste.
I like to think that life works in mysterious, wondrous ways. I mean, we got into this ordeal with good intentions. It's not a joke. It's not like we got lazy and we wanted to rebel. We're looking for something significant. Of course, spiritual texts will point out that if it's not too hard, then maybe it's not that worth it. If it easily gets to you, it will be easily taken away from you; work needs to come in, in different ways and form.
Right now I can see small changes. I hope my sister is experiencing this too. We're hanging on. Everything will change, and that's not because it is according to plan; they will because it's all part of the particles that make this universe possible.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
When Eating Required Praying, and Praying was Answered with Loving
When Eating Required Praying, and Praying was Answered with Loving
On Eating
I wrote,
Will eat first, and then pray and love later.
A friend, a filmmaker, made this comment: aren't you supposed to pray first before eating?
See, I don't really pray before I eat although being educated in a Catholic school for about ten years required regular prayers on school days in addition to the regular prayer before meals. You pray when you get to school (as the church is focal point of the entire parish/academic complex), you pray after singing the national anthem and reciting the national pledge, you pray before the class starts (and I am talking about praying every class), you pray before and after recess, you pray the Angelus, you pray the Three O'Clock Prayer, you pray after the whole day class, you pray before leaving school. Ten years. Imagine. And don't forget the required mass attendance.
I guess I just prayed too much that living, whether as a good, bad, so-so, or un-Christian/Catholic, is almost a prayer.
This is not to say I am against praying. I pray though it is not part of the standard regimen. Sometimes before I meet friends at M Cafe I drop by the Greenbelt chapel to --- well, probably not pray, but maybe it is praying. I like going to the chapel, just to sit. Talk to someone in my head. Why not? The Greenbelt chapel has been a staple in my life as my aunt would usually bring me there on a Saturday after a movie and some treat, during the time the chapel was still surrounded by a pond and that the Greenbelt aviary was my favorite place to run and explore.
Praying and me --- we have a relationship, and it's not really complicated. Seriously.
The thing is, I ate a lot in the past year. I ate a lot, and I ate more than I could chew, I even ate the stuff I didn't like, I experimented with what I ate, and I even ate those that would somehow poison me.
Of course, I didn't mean those in a literal sense. But these translated into something literal: I gained weight. In less than a year, I gained ten pounds. This is not to say I am fat now, but I am fat based on my standards, my standard being for the first time in my life, I weigh more than 120 pounds. In 2007 I could be no more than 110 pounds.
Maybe it's age?
But of course I am not talking just about poundage and weightage. I gained a lot that I feel so heavy and unfit. But you know how gravity works; you're so heavy sometimes it makes you float.
On Eating and Praying
Early this year I attended a workshop called The Awakening Experience. It was a good workshop held by Lightworkers. I am a "lightworker"; I like to put those in quotation marks because I haven't been committed to being a lightworker, though being a lightworker is basically what you are. Let's say, I haven't been active in attending the gatherings. Lightworkers are an incredible bunch, and don't let this fool you but they're not really the goody-two-shoes nerdy types. They're regular people with a greater sense of purpose. They believe in God or god, they believe in the force, they believe in the Light. And no, our gatherings are far from those that require putting your hands up and do that "praise the Lord" thing. You can do it, but that's not what it is about. Faith is a personal thing, but it can be shared. Like happiness.
The thing is, maybe I am the kind who does not share faith. Because it's personal for me. But I can share! Because love is to share, and the greatest religion of all is love. Nothing more.
Anyway, in the Awakening Experience, one of the speakers (I can't remember which --- was it Lia?) mentioned about this snowflake experiment. I really can't remember the details, but basically the experiment was these researchers sent "love" to the snowflake. Through concentration. And then the snowflake became beautiful, or it didn't melt. Or something (haha).
I was actually reminded of the Noetics (thanks to a Dan Brown novel). It's a "science" about the power of thought. So basically, the premise is that you send specific thoughts on to something, and that something responds. So --- when you cook with love, the food will be delicious. If you love with love, and not with hate, the love will be --- I kid. But it's like that.
Which is why, even though I don't normally pray, before I eat (food or not), I look at it because I want to send it good vibes. Hence, the reason I have gained weight. The food has been yummy. Yammy.
On Praying and Loving
To be honest, I don't love my life if you look at it at a daily basis. Like now. I don't love it much. I wish I am living another life. I am home, working alone, and I feel pathetic. I want to go out, but I have to finish something. I want to do something else. Like all stories there are things that you have to do for the money. For several years, I have been trying to figure out how to get out of the rut and combine what you love with income generation. I love to write, and yes, I write for a living. But I am hating it now.
I guess I have to change loves then. Move on. Writing, it's not working. I have to break up with you. Or maybe, I'll find someone like you, but something else. Gets?
Hence, I am on my knees looking for a new love.
But writing is my first love. And I am having an affair with traveling.
I guess this is a compromise and a crossing-over that will work.
I wrote,
Will eat first, and then pray and love later.
A friend, a filmmaker, made this comment: aren't you supposed to pray first before eating?
See, I don't really pray before I eat although being educated in a Catholic school for about ten years required regular prayers on school days in addition to the regular prayer before meals. You pray when you get to school (as the church is focal point of the entire parish/academic complex), you pray after singing the national anthem and reciting the national pledge, you pray before the class starts (and I am talking about praying every class), you pray before and after recess, you pray the Angelus, you pray the Three O'Clock Prayer, you pray after the whole day class, you pray before leaving school. Ten years. Imagine. And don't forget the required mass attendance.
I guess I just prayed too much that living, whether as a good, bad, so-so, or un-Christian/Catholic, is almost a prayer.
This is not to say I am against praying. I pray though it is not part of the standard regimen. Sometimes before I meet friends at M Cafe I drop by the Greenbelt chapel to --- well, probably not pray, but maybe it is praying. I like going to the chapel, just to sit. Talk to someone in my head. Why not? The Greenbelt chapel has been a staple in my life as my aunt would usually bring me there on a Saturday after a movie and some treat, during the time the chapel was still surrounded by a pond and that the Greenbelt aviary was my favorite place to run and explore.
Praying and me --- we have a relationship, and it's not really complicated. Seriously.
The thing is, I ate a lot in the past year. I ate a lot, and I ate more than I could chew, I even ate the stuff I didn't like, I experimented with what I ate, and I even ate those that would somehow poison me.
Of course, I didn't mean those in a literal sense. But these translated into something literal: I gained weight. In less than a year, I gained ten pounds. This is not to say I am fat now, but I am fat based on my standards, my standard being for the first time in my life, I weigh more than 120 pounds. In 2007 I could be no more than 110 pounds.
Maybe it's age?
But of course I am not talking just about poundage and weightage. I gained a lot that I feel so heavy and unfit. But you know how gravity works; you're so heavy sometimes it makes you float.
On Eating and Praying
Early this year I attended a workshop called The Awakening Experience. It was a good workshop held by Lightworkers. I am a "lightworker"; I like to put those in quotation marks because I haven't been committed to being a lightworker, though being a lightworker is basically what you are. Let's say, I haven't been active in attending the gatherings. Lightworkers are an incredible bunch, and don't let this fool you but they're not really the goody-two-shoes nerdy types. They're regular people with a greater sense of purpose. They believe in God or god, they believe in the force, they believe in the Light. And no, our gatherings are far from those that require putting your hands up and do that "praise the Lord" thing. You can do it, but that's not what it is about. Faith is a personal thing, but it can be shared. Like happiness.
The thing is, maybe I am the kind who does not share faith. Because it's personal for me. But I can share! Because love is to share, and the greatest religion of all is love. Nothing more.
Anyway, in the Awakening Experience, one of the speakers (I can't remember which --- was it Lia?) mentioned about this snowflake experiment. I really can't remember the details, but basically the experiment was these researchers sent "love" to the snowflake. Through concentration. And then the snowflake became beautiful, or it didn't melt. Or something (haha).
I was actually reminded of the Noetics (thanks to a Dan Brown novel). It's a "science" about the power of thought. So basically, the premise is that you send specific thoughts on to something, and that something responds. So --- when you cook with love, the food will be delicious. If you love with love, and not with hate, the love will be --- I kid. But it's like that.
Which is why, even though I don't normally pray, before I eat (food or not), I look at it because I want to send it good vibes. Hence, the reason I have gained weight. The food has been yummy. Yammy.
On Praying and Loving
To be honest, I don't love my life if you look at it at a daily basis. Like now. I don't love it much. I wish I am living another life. I am home, working alone, and I feel pathetic. I want to go out, but I have to finish something. I want to do something else. Like all stories there are things that you have to do for the money. For several years, I have been trying to figure out how to get out of the rut and combine what you love with income generation. I love to write, and yes, I write for a living. But I am hating it now.
I guess I have to change loves then. Move on. Writing, it's not working. I have to break up with you. Or maybe, I'll find someone like you, but something else. Gets?
Hence, I am on my knees looking for a new love.
But writing is my first love. And I am having an affair with traveling.
I guess this is a compromise and a crossing-over that will work.
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